2008 - The good, the bad, the ugly

In taking stock of this past year and what went well and what didn't, what I'd like to change, and what I'd like to hang onto, I'm not sure I have any really outstanding conclusions. I think that New Year's resolutions are basically lame--I can barely remember what I've resolved, much less remember to actually execute the resolutions. However, to paraphrase Oprah, here are some things I (pretty much) know for sure, based on my experiences this year:

1) Deciding to stay at home/work part-time was the right decision. I was very very freaked out about it at first, but I think it was the right choice for this moment in my life.

2) Deciding to be more active in church was also a good one. Being at church at 8am on Sundays to make it to choir practice is a drag, but hopefully it's one of those things that will lay up some bonus points with the Big Man Upstairs. (Ok, probably not, but here's hoping.)

3) It's important to have some other dimension to your identity, especially if you're a stay at home mom. For me, it's my novel, as well as the evaluation/research that I do. Ok yeah, the novel hasn't been going so well lately, but it's nice to feel that I have something else going on--I have a Supergirl suit on underneath the yoga pants and spaghettio-stained T-shirt, so to speak.

4) It stinks to be alone most of the time. It stinks to have left virtually all my friends back in Raleigh, and not have really any new friends here. I think we're at the stage in life where it's really tough to make new friends. People like what they're used to--the friends they already have, as well as the routines that they've created with their kids and current church buddies. It also doesn't help to be an anti-joiner, essentially an introvert. I'm going to work on that in the coming year, though. It may kill me to take a yoga class/dance class/Bible study class, or whatever, but I have really got to meet some new people. Adam is getting really tired of having me pump him for every little detail about his day and whatever conversations he might have had. (Me: so how is Brandon? How is his truck? How was HIS weekend?)

5)It's good to be four. It's also good to be one and a half. But it might be even better to be 34, and have a life that's beyond anything I ever hoped for, much less counted on.

So prospero año y Felicidad, everybody....

You're a mean one, Mrs. Grinch...

So I had talked to Adam about scaling down on our Christmas spending this year, following the lead of 98.7% of American consumers, since we have less money this year as I'm working only part-time. This idea was not well received, and various names (Grinch, cheapskate, Scrooge) were floated as personal descriptors. This discussion came, interestingly, after a month of MASSIVE expenditures, after which we were in the black only because of an abnormally large paycheck (I was paid out for my annual leave since I stopped working full-time--my check was like 6 times what it usually is!) Since we are both incapable of balancing a checkbook, every month opening the statement from the bank is like playing Let's Make a Deal, except that there's almost always a can of Lemon Pledge behind Door Number 3, and never a new car or even a 4 day 3 night trip to Cancun. But I have to say that God in His infinite mercy saved our sorry asses with that check from NCSU.

I guess the whole country, unfortunately, has been in the same boat as we are, sort of coasting along, assuming everything is going to turn out all right. What's that old tag about Fortune favoring the foolish? Or perhaps I mean the one about how God takes care of children and fools? I suppose we're all hoping for a little of that kind of Christmas magic this year. I suppose it could happen...I mean, who would ever have believed that under a Republican administration, we'd have essentially nationalized a number of major financial institutions? Who would have thought that North Carolina could elect a black man for president? Who'd have thought that a large number of Americans (though perhaps not a majority) could distinguish between Iraq and Iran? I guess it's a year for the unexpected. Perhaps the Grinch's heart will grow this Chrismas, and perhaps not. In any case, I expect the Grinch will be showing up for the party...adding machine in hand.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

Whenever Ginny is in the car, I am under instructions to put on one of three things: 1) "The Jesus CD" (think songs like "THE B-I-B-L-Eeeeeee") or 2) one of the stations that is now playing ALL CHRISTMAS ALL THE TIME, which wouldn't be so bad if they ever updated their playlists or didn't jam George Michaels songs right up against "O Holy Night," which is just plain wrong on many many levels.

Option 3 is one of the Ramona cds. One cd is a recording of Ramona the Pest, which Ginny enjoys because Ramona is so very awfully bad--Ginny can relate to Ramona but also to Beezus, who is deeply exasperated by her bratty little sister. The other cd requires you to skip forward in time about three years so that Ramona is 7 years old and her father is out of work (Ramona and her Father). Ginny likes this one because Ramona still does dumb stuff, like sticking a crown of burrs on her head, but so do other people, like Picky Picky the cat, who eats the family's jack-o-lantern. Ginny also likes hearing the story of Ramona's inadequate sheep suit, because it gives, I think, a voice to Ginny's own difficult-to-articulate 4 year old existential rage. The kind of rage that makes a little person sulk in the corner, smash a less-than-perfect Lego tower, fall on the floor weeping over having received one less marshmallow than was promised.

Ginny is becoming deeply aware of the monstrous injustice of the world. Example: yesterday she was in the Mt. Holly parade with her classmates and was looking forward to wearing her new Christmas tree dress. However, Adam made the executive decision to keep her in her school clothes since it was so cold (I was presenting at a conference). After sitting on the float for about two hours, Ginny finally passed the place where Adam and Dan were sitting. Instead of waving to her family, sources report that Ginny stood up and hollered "We COULD TOO wear DRESSES!" and literally gnashed her teeth at the crowd. Excellent.

But other things get her riled up too, and sometimes there's just not much we can say:

After a family visit -- "Why does Grandma pay more attention to Dan than me?"

After packing Christmas Child boxes -- "Why doesn't Santa Claus love the poor children?"

After being told that hurting other people is wrong -- "But what if you're in the army? Is God going to be mad at the army men who hurt other people?"

But sometimes, as with Ramona and the sheep suit, we require an act of grace to reconcile us with our destiny: a mascara-blackened sheep nose, a Cinderella sticker after a dentist's visit. Thank goodness for God's grace, for the fact that, as Faith Hill says, a baby changes everything. As an adult it's far too easy to be oblivious about all that is both right and deeply wrong with the world. It's easy to be focused on the tasks at hand, with coping with the daily grind, just getting by. A lot of people natter on about the beauty of the season, the wonder of Christmas, etc, etc. But give me the kid in the lousy sheep suit, the sensitive child who asks the tough questions, the one who is convinced that the second verse of "Jesus Loves Me" says that Jesus "diapered all the children of the world." Hers is the faith that I'm looking for this season.